I spend a lot of time sitting with Quarterlifers - those people between 20 and 30 years old - and I hear one thing over and over, "I'm just so lonely." For some, it's due to working and being busy. For some it's not having the structure of high school or college to provide social activities that prompt connections. And for some it due to social anxiety or introversion.
Meeting new people gets harder as we age. But it's not impossible! With a little insight and effort, you can expand your social circles and feel less lonely.
Practice Conversation Skills
If your anxiety stops you for accepting invitations to gatherings, try some of the suggestions Carolyn Maguire writes about in the ADHD newsletter. I particularly like her suggestion to take on a role. Make drinks, help in the kitchen, or refill supplies. Not only does this give you people to start with, but it lets you take a lap around the room and get a feel for who you'd like to start chatting with. She also suggests having opening questions prepared. I like to pull from current events, sports, or even the weather. And a little positive self-talk never hurts. Remind yourself that "I'm doing my best," and "Even if I'm anxious, it will pass."
Talk to Strangers
As a kid, my most mortifying moments were in the line at Foodland when my mom would start talking to strangers in line. I just wanted to crawl under the cart. Guess what I'm doing these days? Yep. Research during the pandemic found that not only were we missing out on social time with family and friends, but we were missing out on the casual interactions with servers, checkout people, and random folks on the bus. Those casual interactions with people we may never see again still provide a feeling of not being alone. So next time you see someone with a cool hairstyle, or a shirt with your favorite band, comment!
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2021/01/pandemic-goodbye-casual-friends/617839/
Find your Third Place
According to Adam Chandler in his January 2, 2025 article for Time, "Third places, which are informal spots to gather outside of home and work for socializing, have been features of societies going back to antiquity, from Greek agora and Viennese cafés..." Startbucks used to market itself as a third place to encourage people to regularly hang out. And Cheers epitomized the role of the place where "everybody knows your name." Thrid palces put you in contact with a group of locals who frequent the same sopt. They give you a sense of belonging. Seeing familiar faces makes it easier to strike up a conversation, and who know where that could lead!
https://time.com/7202834/third-life-america-loneliness-essay/
Gather Your People
What are you interested in? With 3.3 million people in the US, there has to be others who are also into it. Why not create a group that meets regularly to share that activity? You can use sites like MeetUP or you can post something at work or at church to find others who share your intest and would like to get together regularly to share it. Meet for a movie once a month then have drinks after (maybe at your 3rd place!) Gather fellow crafters to create together every Saturday. Identify other vegans at work and plan regular potluck lunches to share recipes. Interest groups are a great way to grow friendships and feel less lonely.
Make the Time
Ultimately, makeing and nurturing friendships requires time. Carve out a few hours every week to commit to the people already in your life and for yourself to expand those connections. Doing so will naturally create balance in your life. Gen Z is just now entering the work force and they are bringing with them a strong value for robust life outside work. They lived through the pandemic that uprooted their school and social devlopment and I believe came to appreciate the importance of relationships. Follow their lead and make relationships a priority.
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