"I'm bored."
"Bye mom! I'm going out to play!"
In the Bay Area these are not phrases we hear very often. Bored? Time to add another team sport. Going out to play? Better come along to thwart any conflicts and make sure no one gets hurt. These days kids don't have the opportunity to structure their own free time (or to even have free time!)
For the past year, Jonathan Haidt has been talking to parents and media about his new book, The Anxious Generation. Most of the book talks about the connection between smart phones and teen anxiety, which is a looong topic for another day.
I have pretty strong opinions about screen time, but what I really got excited about, was his opening premise that kids today have lost free play and the develomnent it encourages. Parents have taken charge of every minute of their kids' lives and scheduled in tutoring, sports, and activites on top of their school day. Kids no longer get to roam the neighborhood with other kids and figure out how to be a person. Hanging out with kids of the same age and a little older provides social learning and attunement practice. Attunement is when kids figure out the rules of their society and it bonds them to the community. Haidt says, "Childhood is an apprenticeship for learning the skills needed for success in one's culture." (p. 56)
Kids also need to take riskes which make them antifragile. When parents step up to make sure play is safe, kids do not learn to solve problems, innovate, or manage conflicts. Risky play also keeps kids in discovery mode rather than defend mode. Discovery mode provides direct sensory feedback and keeps them curious and self-reliant. Check out the lovey metaphor on p. 72 about how young trees gain strength from the wind that pushes them around. Without it, saplings break. Haidt has pulled from some strong and long-standing research findings that support his claims.
Many of the teens and young adults I work with struggle to make decisions, manage stress, and form healthy relationships. Their lives seem to be about what comes next and what they can add to their resume to make sure it earns them success. They aren't quite sure what their purpose is. And they long for connection. Free play with peers is a rich experience that helps them learn how to make friends, when to stand their ground (set boundaries), how to solve problems, and how to create.
Take a minute and read Haidt's thoughts on free play, and then find an opportunity to send your kid out to find their tribe and play! You can stay home and enjoy your own afternoon off.
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