Parenting AAA - You can't drive the car forever!

Your job as a parent is not to make your child into who you want them to be. Your job is to support them as they grow into their own unique person.

When I was growing up, it was very common for parents to gift their teens a membership to AAA—the emergency roadside assistance service. I think it helped parents feel more secure about their kids' safety as they started driving on their own. Your kid could get out there, drive independently, and make some mistakes. But if they got lost, had a flat tire, or their car broke down, they had someone to call.

I think parenting is a little like that. Your job isn't to drive the car for them. It's to help them learn how to navigate the road and make sure they know where to turn when they need help. And one of the most important things you can do is understand that your child may not navigate the world the same way you do.

I like to think about it as three steps: Acknowledge, Accept, and Adjust.

Acknowledge

First, understand your kid's personality.

It's hard when it's different from your own, but it's also very common. Mathematicians get artists. Extroverts get introverts. Athletes get readers. Highly organized parents get kids whose backpacks look like a tornado went through them.

Your first reaction may be, How can I help them be more like me?

But that's not always the right question.

Instead, get curious. Who is this kid? What comes naturally to them? What drains them? What excites them? How do they solve problems? How do they connect with other people?

Sometimes there may also be things that need to be assessed. If your teen is really struggling socially, academically, emotionally, or with attention and executive functioning, it may be worth exploring whether ASD, ADHD, anxiety, depression, or something else is contributing to the struggle.

The goal isn't to slap a label on your child. It's to better understand them and get them the support they need.

Accept

Next comes the hard part: acceptance.

See your kid's traits as strengths, not just something to fix.

Your introverted child may not love parties or want to spend every weekend with friends. That doesn't mean they're lonely or socially incapable. Introverts are often thoughtful, independent, good listeners, and comfortable spending time on their own.

A child with ASD may have challenges that need support, but they may also have incredible strengths: intense interests, deep knowledge, honesty, attention to detail, persistence, and the ability to see things differently from the people around them.

Your artist may not love math, but they may be creative, imaginative, observant, and able to see connections other people miss.

Of course, every kid needs to learn skills they don't naturally have. Acceptance doesn't mean saying, Well, that's just who they are, and never helping them grow. It means you stop treating who they are as a problem.

There's a big difference between saying, I know social situations are hard for you. Let's figure out how you can handle them, and saying, You need to be more outgoing.

One helps your child grow. The other tells them there is something wrong with who they are.

Adjust

Finally, help your kid figure out how to make their strengths work in the larger community.

The world isn't always set up for every personality type, learning style, or way of being. So part of growing up is learning how to navigate a world that won't always adjust itself to you.

As an RD and an introvert, for example, I had to figure out how to get enough alone time while living with 250 people 24/7. Your introvert may need to learn how to initiate conversations, even though it doesn't come naturally, while your extrovert may need to figure out how to give people space.

Your artist teen is still required to take math. So instead of wishing they were naturally good at math, how can you help make it easier? Do they need a tutor? A different way of learning the material? A quieter place to study? More time?

Your child who struggles with organization may need systems that look completely different from yours.

Your child with ADHD may need to learn how to use reminders, calendars, alarms, and routines.

The goal is not to change the roadmap. It's to help them build the skills they need to successfully navigate the roadmap they already have. And honestly, why would you want to?

When we continually try to change the core of who our kids are, we send a message: You're not enough. There's something wrong with you. I would like you better if you were different.

Sometimes kids hear an even worse message: I don't love you as you are.

As parents, we teach our kids the skills we’ve learned to navigate the world—many of them from our own parents. But teens need to figure out which skills work for them. They try what we teach, try what their friends teach them, make mistakes, and figure out what fits.

And sometimes, they’ll reject something that works perfectly well for you. That’s okay. That’s how they become independent and learn to navigate their own unique world.

So maybe the best thing we can give our teenagers isn't a roadmap telling them exactly where to go. Maybe it's more like that old AAA membership.

We teach them how to drive. We help them learn the rules of the road. We make sure they have some tools when things go wrong.

And then, eventually, we let them get behind the wheel.