Supporting Your Child's Unique Journey: A Guide for Parents

Your job as a parent is not to shape your child into who you want them to be. Instead, your role is to support them as they grow into their own unique person. This journey can be challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding.

The Importance of Understanding Your Child

When I was growing up, it was common for parents to gift their teens a membership to AAA—the emergency roadside assistance service. This gift helped parents feel secure about their kids' safety as they started driving independently. If they got lost, had a flat tire, or their car broke down, they had someone to call for help.

I believe parenting is similar. Your job isn't to drive the car for them. It's to help them learn how to navigate the road and ensure they know where to turn when they need assistance. One of the most important things you can do is understand that your child may not navigate the world the same way you do.

Acknowledge, Accept, and Adjust

I like to think about parenting in three steps: Acknowledge, Accept, and Adjust. These steps can help you support your child effectively.

Acknowledge

First, take the time to understand your child's personality. It can be hard when their traits differ from your own, but this is very common. Mathematicians can have artistic children. Extroverts can have introverted kids. Athletes can have readers. Highly organized parents can have kids whose backpacks look like a tornado went through them.

Your first reaction may be, How can I help them be more like me? But that's not always the right question. Instead, get curious. Who is this kid? What comes naturally to them? What drains them? What excites them? How do they solve problems? How do they connect with others?

Sometimes, there may be underlying issues to assess. If your teen struggles socially, academically, emotionally, or with attention and executive functioning, it may be worth exploring whether ASD, ADHD, anxiety, depression, or something else is contributing to their struggles.

The goal isn't to slap a label on your child. It's to better understand them and provide the support they need.

Accept

Next comes the hard part: acceptance. See your child's traits as strengths, not just something to fix. Your introverted child may not love parties or want to spend every weekend with friends. That doesn't mean they're lonely or socially incapable. Introverts are often thoughtful, independent, good listeners, and comfortable spending time alone.

A child with ASD may have challenges that need support, but they may also possess incredible strengths: intense interests, deep knowledge, honesty, attention to detail, persistence, and the ability to see things differently from those around them.

Your artist may not excel in math, but they might be creative, imaginative, observant, and able to see connections that others miss. Every child needs to learn skills they don't naturally possess. Acceptance doesn't mean saying, Well, that's just who they are, and never helping them grow. It means you stop treating who they are as a problem.

There's a significant difference between saying, I know social situations are hard for you. Let's figure out how you can handle them, and saying, You need to be more outgoing. One approach helps your child grow, while the other implies that there's something wrong with who they are.

Adjust

Finally, help your child figure out how to make their strengths work in the larger community. The world isn't always set up for every personality type, learning style, or way of being. So part of growing up is learning how to navigate a world that won't always adjust itself to them.

As a registered dietitian and an introvert, for example, I had to figure out how to get enough alone time while living with 250 people 24/7. Your introverted child may need to learn how to initiate conversations, even if it doesn't come naturally. Conversely, your extroverted child may need to learn how to give others space.

Your artist teen is still required to take math. Instead of wishing they were naturally good at it, consider how you can help make it easier. Do they need a tutor? A different way of learning the material? A quieter place to study? More time?

Your child who struggles with organization may need systems that look completely different from yours. Your child with ADHD may need to learn how to use reminders, calendars, alarms, and routines.

The goal is not to change the roadmap. It's to help them build the skills they need to navigate the roadmap they already have. And honestly, why would you want to change who they are?

When we continually try to change the core of our kids, we send a message: You're not enough. There's something wrong with you. I would like you better if you were different. Sometimes, kids hear an even worse message: I don't love you as you are.

As parents, we teach our kids the skills we’ve learned to navigate the world—many of them from our own parents. But teens need to figure out which skills work for them. They try what we teach, experiment with what their friends suggest, make mistakes, and discover what fits.

Sometimes, they’ll reject something that works perfectly for you. That’s okay. That’s how they become independent and learn to navigate their own unique world.

The Road Ahead

So maybe the best thing we can give our teenagers isn't a roadmap telling them exactly where to go. Perhaps it's more like that old AAA membership. We teach them how to drive. We help them learn the rules of the road. We ensure they have tools when things go wrong.

And then, eventually, we let them get behind the wheel. This process fosters resilience and personal growth, allowing them to navigate life's toughest transitions with confidence.

Remember, your role is to be there for them, to support them, and to celebrate their unique journey. By doing so, you help them grow into the individuals they are meant to be.