Mattering v. Invisibility
I’ve been thinking about an article that circulated a while ago about becoming invisible as we age. In The Invisibility of Older Women, Akiko Busch explores how aging can change the way women are seen by the world. As she observes, older women may experience “less public scrutiny” and gain “a wider set of choices about when and how they are seen.”
There is something both liberating and unsettling about that idea. What does it mean to be invisible? And when does invisibility feel like freedom versus a loss of connection?
A few Fridays ago, I found myself in a local fast-food place killing time. The restaurant was packed with young people meeting friends and hanging out, families with small kids, and couples grabbing a bite. I was alone with my book.
On this particular Friday, I didn’t feel self-conscious at all because no one was noticing me. (Trust me, I usuallydo!) I was invisible. It felt good to let go of that worry and simply be part of the energy around me. It was almost like connecting without all the effort.
The Safety of Blending In
I’ve had many conversations with high school students about whether it’s better to attend a large high school or a small one.
On the one hand, being one of thousands at a large school offers the ability to hide in a sea of gray sweats and hoodies. You don’t stand out, and no one is necessarily calling attention to your faults or weaknesses. As biological systems wired to survive, we often experience that anonymity as safety.
For students who worry about being judged, bullied, or excluded, blending in can be protective. If no one notices you, perhaps no one can hurt you.
The Need to Matter
On the other hand, it’s hard to feel like you matter when you’re floating in that sea of people. Maybe you want to express yourself on stage or write for the school paper, but there is so much competition that you never get the chance to shine.
At a small school, there’s always a role waiting for you, an article to write, or a club or volunteer project where you can make a difference. You get to be seen for your strengths and receive support for your weaknesses.
At a large school, you may never get to play the sport you love because there is always another athlete who has been playing since pre-school. At a small school, you can walk on and play with other athletes who are new to the sport. Either way, you learn you don’t have to be the star to contribute to the win.
You begin to discover that you matter—not just because you are present, but because your presence makes a difference.
Finding Meaning as We Age
As adults on the other end of the lifeline, I sometimes wonder what meaning my life or work really has. What difference am I making? Who notices? Does it matter if anyone does?
In Finding Meaning, Facing Fears, psychologist and professor Jerrold Lee Shapiro explores the opportunities that come with midlife and the years approaching retirement. “We have been blessed with a capacity for longevity that was only dreamt about in prior generations.” But with that “blessing” comes many hours of contemplating the why. He encourages us to consider how we can continue to grow, take on new challenges, and give back to the world through the experiences we've accumulated.
Shapiro describes this stage of life as an opportunity “to stretch in our capacities, to face and conquer old demons, and to meet new challenges with greater resources than were available to us before.”
I find that idea hopeful. Aging doesn't have to mean becoming less relevant. It can mean having more freedom to decide what matters to us, where we want to invest our energy, and how we want to contribute.
Perhaps the question isn't whether we are visible to everyone, but whether we feel connected to something meaningful. We may no longer seek the same recognition we did when we were younger. We may care less about impressing others and more about doing work that feels worthwhile, nurturing relationships that sustain us, or finding new ways to contribute.
Mattering doesn't always require an audience.
Choosing When to Be Seen
As with so many things I talk to clients about, I think it comes down to balance.
There is a time to effortlessly fade into the crowd and a time to have your efforts noticed and appreciated. There is freedom in not having to perform, impress, or worry about what other people think. And there is a deep human need to feel connected, valued, and significant.
The trick may be learning to choose wisely.
Sometimes, I want to sit alone in a crowded restaurant with my book, enjoying the freedom of being unobserved. Other times, I want to know that my work matters, that my relationships are meaningful, and that I am making a difference in someone's life.
Maybe the goal isn't to avoid invisibility altogether. Maybe it's to recognize when invisibility feels like freedom and when it begins to feel like disconnection.
Sources:
Shapiro, Finding Meaning Facing Fears, 2021
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